This did not stop at adults, children were also taken from families, never to be returned.
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You can imagine what this incident did to my trust in men... but I digress
One thing I know is that I took the events of back then very personally, especially when I started watching movies with full blown dramatizations of what was going on, at age 11 or 12, probably something I should have not done, but my parents had their own issues to deal with and never knew.
All of this brought me up in a spirit of a very unsafe world, and I noticed today, I have been running away from things most of my life. As soon as things get a little uncomfortable I feel like I will be tortured. Out of proportion? you think?
How does this relate to yoga, you may rightfully ask? very much so, I actually have the fight or flight internalized in my body to the point in which it gives me adrenaline shots, intense shots, powerful ones. This is my body's attempt to tell me "get out of there". It did it in kurmasana for years, and if I am not careful it can still do it, and now, it is doing it in the attempt drop backs.
As I stretch my front and open my back (big sign of trust?), I get shots!
The way I am dealing with it is by talking to myself, saying to me (or the little me in me): "it's ok, it is just yoga", and breathing deeply.
Do you get adrenaline shots? how do you deal with fear?
This happened to me for the first time a few days ago, in kapotasana. Opening the front, very vulnerable. I am by nature a very closed person, so maybe the surprise is that it hasn't happened sooner. Teacher told me it was going to be a deep kapo, maybe that was it. I got down, pushed up, she moved my hand to my insteps, and I just flipped and sprang up, nearly knocking her over. Oops. Not sure how I'll deal with it now that it has surfaced. Stop internally yelling a million directions at once? ("Curl the upper back! Sit bones wide! Don't crunch the sacrum! Lengthen the spine! Up not back! Hips forward!" It goes on and on) At least I'm practising at home now for a couple of months, so nobody else needs to get hurt!
ReplyDeleteInterested to hear how you approach the panic.
Wow...what a captivating post. I was at work and it stopped me in my tracks when I read it. Let me give it some thought...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Mysore advice.....
mmmm...very cool post
Have you looked into Vipassana Claudia. mindfulness/insight meditation? I'm simplifying but there's an aspect of the practice where you might shift the object of the meditation to whatever comes up most strongly. So if you become aware of Fear you make it the object and explore it. You might notice where, physically you experience it, is it in your belly, your throat, chest? is it a sharp sensation or dull, like a small ball, contained or does it seem to grow......, does it move about. the idea being that you don't get wrapped up in it or any stories that come up but just kind of notice it all. there's something about that noticing, especially in the context of exploring other emotions and sensations in other meditations that somehow take some of the power or stress associated with it away. Difficult to explain, which is why i never blog about it. i use in my practice though sometimes when something comes up, when the mind gets busy, just try to note it and let it pass.
ReplyDeleteI think you read Owl's blog, no? She's writes well on this.
Lew, I sooo relate to your experience of kurmasana, I even thought about practicing at home for a while, I am lucky now that my shala is so crowded not everyone gets adjusted everytime, so I get a chance to really go slow... and i mean REALLY, I get into it with legs bent and stay there sometimes for 10 breaths before i go deeper, and it helps.
ReplyDeleteBestlivingpossible, thank you and good luck with the trip planning, happening, etc, I hope you make it!
Grimmly, I did do my sentence with vipassana last summer on my first 10 day... I say sentence cause I had a strong reaction to the recordings and the endless repetition, it drove me a little crazy, but i do want to do it again, and did learn from it. Interesting what you say about applying the noticing and releasing to the shocks that the body gives, hmmm... why not?, good catch!
Claudia, do you mean Goenka? Never been on one of his retreats, thought about it once but not really my thing. You wont be surprised to hear that I'm just as much a home meditator as Ashtangi.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog via Boodiba's. I believe one of the big gifts of asana practice and pranayama is to help us bring our natural fight or flight response to a place where we can, with equanimity, dismantle it. I use f or f all the time when I teach. Backbends definitely bring it up the most. Try a few lion breaths after deep backbends to expel the sludge that the BBs break loose. Thanks for writing
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