Something opened.
A few days ago I had a rather substantial panic attack. I do not want to go into the details of it, suffice to say that the emotions completely overtook my rational side, and I acted compulsively, creating delays and change in plans for others due to my actions. I am still not fully able to reconcile what exactly happened. I suppose it might be due to me being human.
One thing I do know is that all of this came about after a one and a half hour intense meditation session, but I am not even sure if I can truly attribute it to that, is just that I am associating it with the last panic attack I had, which also happened after intense meditation.
In the Fall of 2006 I decided to try a cabin retreat at the Shambhala in Vermont, where you can retreat to meditate in the woods in a cabin that has no electricity or running water. It is very basic, and I, admittedly was not ready for that. Nevertheless my strong ego wanted to try it, I fancied myself an advanced mediator. Little did I know that just before leaving my ego with my assistance would manage to create some trouble at work and that sent my mind into turbulence...
After about 4 of the 5 days I calmed down enough to actually sit and meditate, and during this period I had a realization, I suddenly noticed that "I do not exist". It was a glimpse, but it was enough to make me panic.
I wanted to leave the cabin and go be with people, which is something I should have not stopped doing... the advisor suggested I stay until the end of my time with the group mediators, which I did. I also offered to volunteer in the kitchen in between sessions, just not to be alone.
This time is somewhat similar only instead of having a glimpse at my non-existence I just had a really close encounter with my mind. I was watching it closely.
I am now of course afraid to hit the cushion, BUT one thing that came out of all of this that has been great is practice. Asana practice.
All of a sudden it feels more open. I am not sure what happened but it is helping the poses. So I guess the attack is welcome after all, as some sort of break-through rite of passage.
what i think is interesting, is the connection between asana and meditation. how one can improve the other.
ReplyDeleteyou're inspiring me to give meditation a serious go, to find that balance along this journey. Yep, even your scary panic attack meditation story has inspired me. :)
the anicca mantra helps. you know that story they tell in vipassana where someone has it written on their hand reminding them always that whatever it is, whether viewed as "good" or "bad" will eventually pass. it always does.
ReplyDeleteHi Eco, great that it inspires you!!! and I find that quite interesting too that they feed on each other.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bindy, yes that is always a good thing to remember... anicia, anicia, this too shall pass, you are quite right
Wow. I can see how that would be panic-inducing. Yet... what a revelation. Have you seen this? Your description reminded me of hers... kind of like 2 sides of the same coin. Beautiful, whichever way it lands.
ReplyDeletep.s. -- Funny, last night I picked up a book of poetry given to me by a friend upon my return from Mysore and the first poem in it begins:
"Live life
as if you are not"
;)
Hi Nancy, I had no idea my description had SUCH effect Nancy, hee hee... actually I had seen this woman, maybe in Oprha? it was quite something what happened to her... mine was much more modest experience though, and I did NOT find nirvana, damn! wish I had... so yes I am totally on the other side of the coin. :-)
ReplyDeleteI guess it was the bit in her talk about feeling "enormous". To me, her enormity and your non-existence seem like "half full/half empty" views of the same glass. (Maybe it's not as scary that way?)
ReplyDeleteWell regardless, I hope you find your way back to the cushion soon... sounds like you're every bit as advanced as you fancied yourself!
Thanks Nancy for the encouragement :)
ReplyDeleteCan I add that you were irresistibly cute during your panic attack?
ReplyDelete