1.-Brahmacarya
The first yoga principle relating to our modern times issue of "dating and relationships" is brahmacarya. It is listed in the Yoga Sutras, Chapter 2, sutra 38 "Upon establishment of celibacy, power is attained".
Yes, It means celibacy, however common wisdom as well as endless interpretations from teachers of all times point to the understanding that what is meant for it is that we use our sexual energy efficiently.
So, what does this mean for us? It means that when we find a partner we make a committment to just have sexual relations with him or her, but also, to be truthful even before then, while on the search for a partner.
It means that we do not stay with someone we are dating just because of perceived personal gain, or that after seeing red-alert kinds of signals, or because of money, status, or anything else other than because real trust, support, and the possibility of love is present.
2.-Efficiency of resources
Sexual energy is our vital force, a yogi recognizes this and uses it for the purpose of advancing on the spiritual path. This does not mean it gets to be recluded in a cave, on the contrary, yogis are encouraged to live in the world and have homes, this is what Bramacharya told Krishnamacharya (pretty much the father of all yoga we practice these days). And if you look at all the great yogis of our times B.K.S. Iyengar, K.P. Jois, A. Mohan, Richard Freeman, Paul Dallaghan, Dharma Mitra, Kino MacGregor, etc, they are all householders, they live in the real world, in cities, teaching yoga, with business to run, with families.
It is through relationships that we learn the biggest and most important lessons in life. Only by having a close mirror, a direct feedback system that can we identify our blind spots, our areas that need growth and change. And so, searching for a couple to share life with is important for a yogi.
3.-Getting clear about what we want
Example: "I want a man/woman that has a good heart, sexy muscles, does yoga, can speak Italian, is taller than me, loves to talk about spirit and do yoga, is ambitious, a good listener, always speaks the truth, loves me for exactly who I am, is generous and enjoys travel and popcorn during movies. I want a solid real relationship, based on truth and love, based on both of us wanting the other to grow, and to be happy".
A Yogi recognizes the power of the word, the power of intention, the power of being clear about what it is one wants. That is what step 3 is for, to set the intention, to make it clear.
Once the intention is clear it is important to release it so that the universe can fold itself in magical ways and act as catalyst to attract exactly that which you say you want, provided of course, you are detached and open to all possibilities. It may not be 100% what you wrote, but I find you may be surprised. We never know exactly how things will happen, nobody does, and that is not up to you or me, that is up to destiny.
5.-Keep the vocabulary clean in all interactions
6.-Body, mind, and spirt in check
To attract the coolest man in the world the best recipe is to become the coolest woman in the world. Do you feel good? are you eating healthy? are you practicing your yoga? How about your clothes? Do you reflect the happy person you want to be? Is your hair tidy? Is your home tidy?
Ensuring that body mind and spirit are working together is important, you need to have a good foundation and become what you want to attract. If you would like a generous sexy partner, start by becoming that yourself. Take care of YOU first.
7.-Socializing in the right places
I am surprised when I hear men ask where can they meet women. Easy! yoga classes, tango classes. (picture)
As per women, there are plenty of places too: salsa classes, tango classes, chess clubs, meetups.
Thinking that there are no men is not true. There are plenty of good men looking for good women and the same applies the other way around.
It is important to keep the social life active, take that salsa class, go to that tango or zumba class. Go to a Meetup.com that enjoys going to museums, or talking poetry or whatever, try everything that aligns with things you like. Get out there and mingle.
Dating sites can work too, they worked for me!, but for dating sites to be effective all other steps must be very much in place, and this is because of the nature of the introductions (i.e.: both parties come in expecting a "date")
8.-The one hour cup of tea
When I was dating I had a one hour cup of tea rule. This was brilliant because it allowed me enough time to share a conversation with no strings attached (i.e.: nobody had to pay for an expensive dinner), and, most importantly, it came with a clear exit strategy for me.
If it did not work out, then one hour was not a long time and nobody's feelings got hurt. If it did work out it provided a safe container in which to talk and make plans for a future date. (image from here)
Through this method I met many men over coffee, tea, hot chocolate and, once, bubble tea. Whenever they offered to go for dinner I kindly declined, even if I liked them. This gave me the buffer of time of another date, a little time to settle in, check with my spirit, see how I felt, see if I had changed my behavior to try to please, see if I was going overboard, exaggerating things, see if the person I became when in front of him was really myself or if I was acting out some kind of a fantasy me (not a good sign).
Then the day I met the right one, I confess, I did not go to dinner after tea but allowed him to carry my bag all the way to a park where we sat for a few minutes before I got on the train home. A slight break of the rule, but one that just "felt right"
9.-No bed for 13 dates
Bed must be handled with care. It is important to get to know the person before the sexual communication begins, otherwise sex tends to color things, make it all strange, a little awkward, and you know what? "the right man will wait", if he does not want to, then he is simply not the right man. Read that again, it was the best advise my friend Michele ever gave me.
Many women feel they need to get in bed to hold on to a man (I know because when I was younger I felt that way), this reflects a huge insecurity, a thinking that perhaps we are not interesting enough and so we have to take our clothes off to keep things interesting. The reality is that what is more intimate and sexy is to open up slowly, to let him discover you, to share stories, laugher, walks, to really get to know the other person, to become best friends. The sex part will take care of itself.
As a guideline, try to stay away from bed for at least 13 dates. And yes I know many people will disagree with this. Is the number arbitrary? Yes it is! Make up your own, just make sure it works.
10.-Community support
I did not learn how to handle relationships until I was in my late 30s. All the insecurities I described above I had. All of them, no exceptions.
I cried so many times over perceived broken hearts and unavailable men, that one day I decided I wanted to learn what I was doing wrong. To begin with I attended meetings at the SLAA, (sex and love addicts). I realized that I had an "addiction to love" because I always ended up not just in "love" but "obsessed" with men that were unavailable. If a man was interested in me then I enjoyed "playing hard to get". I was into "intrigue" and "drama".
Love addiction is one of those things nobody likes to talk about, it is sticky, embarrassing. In those rooms, which are free and anonymous, you hear deep conversations that nobody shares over a drink, or at home, or in the office. So much so that I think for us, Americans, sex is a bigger taboo than money. We are affraid of speaking the truth of it. Not only that, but also love addiction has another side to it "sexual anorexia", which is a condition by which some people feel compelled to stay at home and not go anywhere, ever. Might be worth going to one just to listen in and see if anything resonates.
The important thing about these meetings is that I built a community of support through them, when I was dating I had 10 people I could call at any given time to run a "reality check", see if I was rushing into things, if I was trying to please, if I was forgetting about what I wanted, if I was acting out. A great resource while navigating the deep waters of new relationships.
11.-Keeping the life you have
Enusre to keep your own life going when you are dating, do not stop going to yoga or doing the activities that bring you joy. Remember you will not be building a life together for a while, becoming two is transitional work, it takes time, and the slower and most ackward the better.
12.- It's work!
You are on the search for the relationship of your life, for your partner, so it is a good idea to consider it a serious assignment. It is a good suggestion to schedule things, approach it seriously. It is true that it takes energy but the payoff is beautiful, rewarding, loving, amazing.
Prayer
This is a suggestion, (you can make your own prayer too)
Dear God,
You know I have been working on myself to be centered and to have things to offer in a relationship
please send me a woman/man that is ready for a committed serious relationship
please let love flourish in my life
please make us meet and help us find You in each of us
let us make the world a better place by being together
Let us be loved loving and of service to you
I long for my beloved
Please dear God, send her or him to me
Amen
RECOMMENDATIONS:
These are amazing books / CDs I have read on relationships that offered me exact and precise advise, they are gems. I especially recommend the first one. The third one has a list of beautiful prayers. They also seem to be available in many public libraries.
Yes, It means celibacy, however common wisdom as well as endless interpretations from teachers of all times point to the understanding that what is meant for it is that we use our sexual energy efficiently.
So, what does this mean for us? It means that when we find a partner we make a committment to just have sexual relations with him or her, but also, to be truthful even before then, while on the search for a partner.
It means that we do not stay with someone we are dating just because of perceived personal gain, or that after seeing red-alert kinds of signals, or because of money, status, or anything else other than because real trust, support, and the possibility of love is present.
2.-Efficiency of resources
Sexual energy is our vital force, a yogi recognizes this and uses it for the purpose of advancing on the spiritual path. This does not mean it gets to be recluded in a cave, on the contrary, yogis are encouraged to live in the world and have homes, this is what Bramacharya told Krishnamacharya (pretty much the father of all yoga we practice these days). And if you look at all the great yogis of our times B.K.S. Iyengar, K.P. Jois, A. Mohan, Richard Freeman, Paul Dallaghan, Dharma Mitra, Kino MacGregor, etc, they are all householders, they live in the real world, in cities, teaching yoga, with business to run, with families.
Like Marianne Williamson says:
"We don't enter the kingdom of heaven alone, we go in pairs".
It is through relationships that we learn the biggest and most important lessons in life. Only by having a close mirror, a direct feedback system that can we identify our blind spots, our areas that need growth and change. And so, searching for a couple to share life with is important for a yogi.
3.-Getting clear about what we want
- Go ahead, write your own version, do write it down, and get SPECIFIC. Many people discard this step and file it under the category of "stupid" or "restrictive". Big mistake, consider Alice story's moral:
"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter"
- Many people SAY they want a relationship, but by not being clear they perhaps fail to notice that what they really want is "drama", they feel invisible and so they create complicated situations with unavailable people so that they sound interesting. Becoming aware of this behavior is a first step, clarifying what we really want would be the next.
A Yogi recognizes the power of the word, the power of intention, the power of being clear about what it is one wants. That is what step 3 is for, to set the intention, to make it clear.
Once the intention is clear it is important to release it so that the universe can fold itself in magical ways and act as catalyst to attract exactly that which you say you want, provided of course, you are detached and open to all possibilities. It may not be 100% what you wrote, but I find you may be surprised. We never know exactly how things will happen, nobody does, and that is not up to you or me, that is up to destiny.
5.-Keep the vocabulary clean in all interactions
I find that people dismiss this quickly, so much so that I began to suspect it is a very well-kept secret.
- When somebody wants to manifest a new and healthy relationship in their lives keeping the vocabulary clean (no curse words, no negativity) is key.
- Not only that but also if you keep saying "Oh I am too old nobody will ever want me", then that is what you are putting out to the unvierse and that is what you will get.
- Train yourself to say things like "I am open to the right man or woman to come into my life" "There is an abundance of men and the right one is attracted to me"
- Be carefeul of the word "no" or "don't". When you say "I don't want a bad man" the universe will bring you a "bad man", that is where the focus goes... phrase things in the positive "I want a good man"
- Forget naysayers. They are in the majority and they have not read this article yet. That is OK, maybe they are not ready to hear it, maybe they prefer drama, bless them and continue on your path to finding love.
Note that I am not advocating denial, sometimes things are difficult, i.e.: if you live in an island isolated from all society where there is only one man and he is happily married and the rest of the population is all women. I am exaggerating but you get my point. Keeping it real is also important, the key is to find the right balance.
To attract the coolest man in the world the best recipe is to become the coolest woman in the world. Do you feel good? are you eating healthy? are you practicing your yoga? How about your clothes? Do you reflect the happy person you want to be? Is your hair tidy? Is your home tidy?
Ensuring that body mind and spirit are working together is important, you need to have a good foundation and become what you want to attract. If you would like a generous sexy partner, start by becoming that yourself. Take care of YOU first.
7.-Socializing in the right places
As per women, there are plenty of places too: salsa classes, tango classes, chess clubs, meetups.
Thinking that there are no men is not true. There are plenty of good men looking for good women and the same applies the other way around.
It is important to keep the social life active, take that salsa class, go to that tango or zumba class. Go to a Meetup.com that enjoys going to museums, or talking poetry or whatever, try everything that aligns with things you like. Get out there and mingle.
Dating sites can work too, they worked for me!, but for dating sites to be effective all other steps must be very much in place, and this is because of the nature of the introductions (i.e.: both parties come in expecting a "date")
8.-The one hour cup of tea
If it did not work out, then one hour was not a long time and nobody's feelings got hurt. If it did work out it provided a safe container in which to talk and make plans for a future date. (image from here)
Through this method I met many men over coffee, tea, hot chocolate and, once, bubble tea. Whenever they offered to go for dinner I kindly declined, even if I liked them. This gave me the buffer of time of another date, a little time to settle in, check with my spirit, see how I felt, see if I had changed my behavior to try to please, see if I was going overboard, exaggerating things, see if the person I became when in front of him was really myself or if I was acting out some kind of a fantasy me (not a good sign).
Then the day I met the right one, I confess, I did not go to dinner after tea but allowed him to carry my bag all the way to a park where we sat for a few minutes before I got on the train home. A slight break of the rule, but one that just "felt right"
9.-No bed for 13 dates
Bed must be handled with care. It is important to get to know the person before the sexual communication begins, otherwise sex tends to color things, make it all strange, a little awkward, and you know what? "the right man will wait", if he does not want to, then he is simply not the right man. Read that again, it was the best advise my friend Michele ever gave me.
Many women feel they need to get in bed to hold on to a man (I know because when I was younger I felt that way), this reflects a huge insecurity, a thinking that perhaps we are not interesting enough and so we have to take our clothes off to keep things interesting. The reality is that what is more intimate and sexy is to open up slowly, to let him discover you, to share stories, laugher, walks, to really get to know the other person, to become best friends. The sex part will take care of itself.
As a guideline, try to stay away from bed for at least 13 dates. And yes I know many people will disagree with this. Is the number arbitrary? Yes it is! Make up your own, just make sure it works.
10.-Community support
I did not learn how to handle relationships until I was in my late 30s. All the insecurities I described above I had. All of them, no exceptions.
I cried so many times over perceived broken hearts and unavailable men, that one day I decided I wanted to learn what I was doing wrong. To begin with I attended meetings at the SLAA, (sex and love addicts). I realized that I had an "addiction to love" because I always ended up not just in "love" but "obsessed" with men that were unavailable. If a man was interested in me then I enjoyed "playing hard to get". I was into "intrigue" and "drama".
Love addiction is one of those things nobody likes to talk about, it is sticky, embarrassing. In those rooms, which are free and anonymous, you hear deep conversations that nobody shares over a drink, or at home, or in the office. So much so that I think for us, Americans, sex is a bigger taboo than money. We are affraid of speaking the truth of it. Not only that, but also love addiction has another side to it "sexual anorexia", which is a condition by which some people feel compelled to stay at home and not go anywhere, ever. Might be worth going to one just to listen in and see if anything resonates.
The important thing about these meetings is that I built a community of support through them, when I was dating I had 10 people I could call at any given time to run a "reality check", see if I was rushing into things, if I was trying to please, if I was forgetting about what I wanted, if I was acting out. A great resource while navigating the deep waters of new relationships.
11.-Keeping the life you have
Enusre to keep your own life going when you are dating, do not stop going to yoga or doing the activities that bring you joy. Remember you will not be building a life together for a while, becoming two is transitional work, it takes time, and the slower and most ackward the better.
12.- It's work!
You are on the search for the relationship of your life, for your partner, so it is a good idea to consider it a serious assignment. It is a good suggestion to schedule things, approach it seriously. It is true that it takes energy but the payoff is beautiful, rewarding, loving, amazing.
Prayer
This is a suggestion, (you can make your own prayer too)
Dear God,
You know I have been working on myself to be centered and to have things to offer in a relationship
please send me a woman/man that is ready for a committed serious relationship
please let love flourish in my life
please make us meet and help us find You in each of us
let us make the world a better place by being together
Let us be loved loving and of service to you
I long for my beloved
Please dear God, send her or him to me
Amen
RECOMMENDATIONS:
These are amazing books / CDs I have read on relationships that offered me exact and precise advise, they are gems. I especially recommend the first one. The third one has a list of beautiful prayers. They also seem to be available in many public libraries.
Follow me on Twitter or subscribe at: ClaudiaYoga.com
Very nice post, Claudia! I think that #7 ("socializing in the right places") is very insightful. I notice that you did not say anything about the one place that many people go to socialize and find dates/hookups: bars and pubs. What are your thoughts on this?
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to relationships Byron Katie has a radically different approach to it .
ReplyDeleteIn her book "In I Need Your Love - Is That True? "Byron Katie applies "The Work"to relationships and the pursuit of love, admiration and respect. Showing how to take charge of our own happiness, she provides a step-by-step process for inquiring into some of the most painful, foundational beliefs that entire lives are built upon. When exposing these thoughts to the bright light of inquiry, clarity, peace and authentic love emerges. We then realize that we already are everything we've been looking for.
As Byron Katie says:
"...once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don't have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress people and win their approval, you're like a child who says, `Look at me! Look at me!' It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over."
Another of her quote to Ponder Over
"When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment, and you'd have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there's no way you can receive love, because you're trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people." - Byron Katie
I don't know claudia, Always seen yoga as a solo activity, never really bought the householder idea, kind of like a lay brother/priest, yogi lite
ReplyDelete; )
However much they try to reinterpret bramacarya we know what it really means, celibacy. At a push you might allow it for procreation but even that's a bit of a cheat, what's a yogi doing procreating anyway. Jois is interesting in yoga mala on this, trying to get some elbow room for the householder and yet still failing to convince.
Hi Nobel, Krishna, and Grimly. First of all thanks for your comments, I think they are valid and raise very important points, not only that I have A LOT to say about it, and if it was not because I am shaking after so much chai to muster energy to go register, and completely jet lagged, and writing from a weak internet connection in Mysore I would reply but that would be a disservice, I will follow up with a post... thanks for the inspiration
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully written, Claudia and I find it very insightful and inspiring. Singles need good advice on how to meet like minds and be well, feel comfortable, while doing it. Dating is like shopping for a soul; the only time one should not look for a good sale. Thank you for the techniques which I think provide a sense of calm during the process.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a relief to see another yogi talk about Brahmacarya. For me, this means no casual sex, even when you are in a relationship. When you are not in a relationship, it means maintaining vital fluids, celibacy, i.e. no masturbation.
ReplyDeleteI've stopped drinking, eat vegetarian, but this has been the most powerful part of my practice. I improve by the week. My body is transforming before my eyes. I have powerful energy rushes in my practice that make me fearful of fainting.
It kind of feels like you're going through puberty again. Your body is going through these changes, you're a little scared and confused, and you're too embarrassed to talk with anyone about it.
Thanks for sharing. This really helps me keep faith.
Anonymous, thank you for your message, that is how I feel too, I believe that bramacharya is exactly to be used in this context, after all none of the yogis of the lineage (at lest the one I follow) were celibate, not the big T, not PJ not BKS... it is all, like you say, about conserving energy and if you are in a relationship then using sexual energy only with that especial one...
ReplyDeleteHi Real Estate Lady, I just noticed the comment was not ignoring or anything, it just did not show before... strange...
ReplyDeletethanks for your comment, I agree with you everyone can use advise in this area, it takes so long and so many bumps along the road to figure out that putting the energy where we really want it is the ONLY way to go when it comes to dating... I can only hope my insights can help others...
boy this came at a great time..I've been feeling especially...scared. I go through these phases of "everyone else has someone but me" and it leads me down this road of doubting everything. I really have to work at turning my mind around; it's exhausting I tell you.
ReplyDeleteI've bookmarked this post and will refer to it often. Thank you and love your blog!
I can relate, Erin, mind is a powerful thing! it is no wonder that expert yogis compare it to taming a lion!!! Thank you your kind words
ReplyDelete