I was planning the wedding on our first date. I met Bill (will call him that) in my first trip to India a few years ago. On our first encounter I helped him in getting the right information about the class schedule for the following morning. "I saved him" I thought.
Later on he would not even remember that the woman that told him about the schedule being different on weekends had been me. That is how much of an impression I caused on him.
A few days later during an afternoon chanting class I told him I would show him around since he had just arrived. I only had 6 days of experience with the city, but it did not matter, he wanted to see Mysore, and I had a date.
On Wednesday I took him downtown in the same route a much older man had taken me the week before and also to show me around.
We went to the market and took pictures of the colors, the children, the coconuts, the watermelons, the cows, his eyes.
I dressed in red and wore my brightest smile. The adrenaline-high of the chase lasted me the whole day. Even after a brutal practice and a walk that would take us through the highly polluted air of downtown Mysore, in a 100 degree weather, sweat running down my back, three miles on high heel sandals.
I was in love.
Bill had no intention of dating me, never even liked me that way. But he was polite and came with me to the lake and to the hotel restaurant where we ordered things at random with no understanding of what we were getting into. He also came with me to the statues shop and the boosktore. He spent the whole day with me, just as I had planned. I was in a state of exhilaration, the world was going my way.
During lunch I asked him what he thought of love. He looked uncomfortable and gave me a scripture type of explanation, love is universal and all that bull. NO, NO, I said, what do you think about man-woman, about relationships, about LOVE.
He put the spoon down by the chai and thought for a moment, then said something along the lines of it being about two people standing by each other, no matter what.
Perfect! I thought, just what I think! I will move to Canada, deal with negative 50 degree temperatures, more accents, and another immigration process. I will make this work, he will be my husband.
I didn't tell him that.
When I did not see him for three days in a row after our date, I suspected that maybe he was sick, or just shy, not used to outspoken women.
That night at 11 PM I wanted to go find a public phone to call him and see if he needed anything. My girl-friend stopped me: He is fine, just go to bed, said Martina. I did.
On February 14th I was scheduled to return to the United States. A car was to pick me up in the evening. Somehow I managed to kidnap Bill into a second "date". He did not even know it was Valentines day until we walked into the Domino's pizza and saw all the heart balloons floating around, no other store had them. Dominos and Valentine's Day were the only original Americans on this particular date. One of the balloons lost the scotch tape that binded it to the window and flew into my back as we ate a paneer slice. I took it as a sign.
But when no attempt at kissing came around at the end of the night I started to feel despair. Bill was going to break me into a million pieces. Something had gone wrong with me. Something was wrong with me. AGAIN.
It was our second date.
Later, while packing, I started to cry. The cookie I had bought for him in the shape of a heart at Santosha earlier that day was now broken in half. I only decided not to give it to him at the last minute, when things became too obvious, even for me. I took it out of my bag and left it on the dining table. Maybe one of my three roommates would eat it.
Back home I was upset when I did not get any e-mails from Bill. My fantasies of moving to Canada began fading away, and I began to feel angry, tense, upset, like a failure. How come I am here? Why did I find myself in the same black hole I thought I had escaped the last time.
One night I was reading Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way
" where in the bibliography I read her say: "the chapter on Withdrawal from the Sex and Love Addicts main book should be mandatory reading for everyone in the planet". She may have said just everyone, not "in the planet".
That was the first time that "love" and "addiction" appeared in the vocabulary of my limited understanding and on the same sentence, my eyes lifted from the book. Could it be?
I googled a support group and found a meeting near Penn Station on 34th street: "Hello, my name is Claudia and I don't know what I am, possibly a love addict, I came here today hoping that you people will tell me I am OK, that I do not need to be here and that I can go home". That is all I could say, the floods of embarrassment went deep.
"Keep coming back" came back from five people in the group, men and women.
What?!
The feeling of bottom when you reach it is dark. It feels insurmountable. It shocks you like a bullet would. "Shit!" is all you can say.
Sexual is the highest energy we are endowed with. Using it efficiently leads to blessings, splurging it mindlessly leads to disaster. It is the biggest leak.
This is how we leak sexual energy as I learned throughout those meetings:
On Love Addiction:
It took a lot of meetings for me to understand the basics of how to manage this powerful energy, and to eventually find real love, although I think luck also played a part there. I would not say I understand it all, nobody ever does, me being the first.
Bill did the right thing in running away as fast as he could from me.
As per me, I hope to God I've stopped running.
---
See also:
32 Unusual Ways to Love Ourselves
The Keeping-It-Real Guide to the 9 Limbs of Yoga
Later on he would not even remember that the woman that told him about the schedule being different on weekends had been me. That is how much of an impression I caused on him.
A few days later during an afternoon chanting class I told him I would show him around since he had just arrived. I only had 6 days of experience with the city, but it did not matter, he wanted to see Mysore, and I had a date.
On Wednesday I took him downtown in the same route a much older man had taken me the week before and also to show me around.
 |
| Somewhere downtown |
I dressed in red and wore my brightest smile. The adrenaline-high of the chase lasted me the whole day. Even after a brutal practice and a walk that would take us through the highly polluted air of downtown Mysore, in a 100 degree weather, sweat running down my back, three miles on high heel sandals.
I was in love.
Bill had no intention of dating me, never even liked me that way. But he was polite and came with me to the lake and to the hotel restaurant where we ordered things at random with no understanding of what we were getting into. He also came with me to the statues shop and the boosktore. He spent the whole day with me, just as I had planned. I was in a state of exhilaration, the world was going my way.
During lunch I asked him what he thought of love. He looked uncomfortable and gave me a scripture type of explanation, love is universal and all that bull. NO, NO, I said, what do you think about man-woman, about relationships, about LOVE.
He put the spoon down by the chai and thought for a moment, then said something along the lines of it being about two people standing by each other, no matter what.
Perfect! I thought, just what I think! I will move to Canada, deal with negative 50 degree temperatures, more accents, and another immigration process. I will make this work, he will be my husband.
I didn't tell him that.
When I did not see him for three days in a row after our date, I suspected that maybe he was sick, or just shy, not used to outspoken women.
That night at 11 PM I wanted to go find a public phone to call him and see if he needed anything. My girl-friend stopped me: He is fine, just go to bed, said Martina. I did.
On February 14th I was scheduled to return to the United States. A car was to pick me up in the evening. Somehow I managed to kidnap Bill into a second "date". He did not even know it was Valentines day until we walked into the Domino's pizza and saw all the heart balloons floating around, no other store had them. Dominos and Valentine's Day were the only original Americans on this particular date. One of the balloons lost the scotch tape that binded it to the window and flew into my back as we ate a paneer slice. I took it as a sign.
 |
| Peppy Paneer Pizza from Dominos |
It was our second date.
Later, while packing, I started to cry. The cookie I had bought for him in the shape of a heart at Santosha earlier that day was now broken in half. I only decided not to give it to him at the last minute, when things became too obvious, even for me. I took it out of my bag and left it on the dining table. Maybe one of my three roommates would eat it.
 |
| I had hopes for the cookie |
One night I was reading Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way
" where in the bibliography I read her say: "the chapter on Withdrawal from the Sex and Love Addicts main book should be mandatory reading for everyone in the planet". She may have said just everyone, not "in the planet".That was the first time that "love" and "addiction" appeared in the vocabulary of my limited understanding and on the same sentence, my eyes lifted from the book. Could it be?
I googled a support group and found a meeting near Penn Station on 34th street: "Hello, my name is Claudia and I don't know what I am, possibly a love addict, I came here today hoping that you people will tell me I am OK, that I do not need to be here and that I can go home". That is all I could say, the floods of embarrassment went deep.
"Keep coming back" came back from five people in the group, men and women.
What?!
The feeling of bottom when you reach it is dark. It feels insurmountable. It shocks you like a bullet would. "Shit!" is all you can say.
Sexual is the highest energy we are endowed with. Using it efficiently leads to blessings, splurging it mindlessly leads to disaster. It is the biggest leak.
This is how we leak sexual energy as I learned throughout those meetings:
On Love Addiction:
- Flirting just because
- Pursuing unavailable people
- Refusing to see what IS, and living in a fantasy instead
- Forcing the fantasy to match reality
- Acting angry when it does not
- Creating intrigue (i.e.: saying to someone at work: "people are saying that there is something between us cause I come and help you so often" then smiling and pretending nothing happened)
- Contacting that long gone ex-girlfriend in Facebook and asking her how she is doing, for no specific reason other than to feel some excitement.
- Asking people questions about relationships on a first encounter, getting too personal
- Planning the wedding in our heads on a first date
- Refusing to realize that a relationship is harmful, toxic, and staying in it for the wrong reasons (money, status, boredom, fear)
- Taking in abuse
- Not meaning it when we say "I don't want to see you again", and coming back for more, when we know it is radioactive waste we are facing
- Staying at home and never going anywhere
- Living in our heads, never talking to anyone
- Never expressing our feelings
- Reading signs where there are none to be read (he left the door half closed, that means he does not love me)
- Thinking we are boring and not worthy of love
It took a lot of meetings for me to understand the basics of how to manage this powerful energy, and to eventually find real love, although I think luck also played a part there. I would not say I understand it all, nobody ever does, me being the first.
Bill did the right thing in running away as fast as he could from me.
As per me, I hope to God I've stopped running.
---
See also:
32 Unusual Ways to Love Ourselves
The Keeping-It-Real Guide to the 9 Limbs of Yoga
Follow me on Twitter or subscribe at: ClaudiaYoga.com
Claudia
ReplyDeleteEveryone is a love addict in one way or the other .If not seeking human relationships we are seeking a relationship with our job , our career , our Goals , our missions etc .A few years years back I met a lady from Britain who was a yoga practitioner and she said that she is happy to be single now ( she has just come out of a divorce ) and free of the troubles of a relationship . I told her that no one is single and that everyone is in relationship in one form or the other and it cane be with another human being or with a cause etc . She was doing volunteer service for a Yoga Organization and was very happy with it and felt life was a blessing .But later 2 years back she has quit that Organization as she had a bitter experience there and now back to "seeking "a man in her life .Now what I am trying to say is that in the absence of a man in her life she thought that she was single and was doing volunteer service but she was actually having a sort of "emotional relationship" with that Organization and like every relationships it had its own pressures of expectations , rejections , disappointments etc and when she felt she could not cope with that she quit .
So conclusion : All of us are seeking love , approval and appreciation in one form or other either from other human beings or from our profession or for some ideals that we cherish but we seem to focus more on the human aspects of this love addiction .
Of course I congratulate Claudia for sharing her personal story and also giving hints as how we can avoid falling in the love addiction trap .I have made a note of the book "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron and it is on my wish list .Thanks for pointing out that book and once again I admire u for sharing ur own story frankly .Keep it up .
so deep to read. thanks for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteit is truly and sensitivly understanding writing.
bravo
Thanks for sharing your story, Claudia. The 12 signs of Love Addiction that you listed are very insightful... Now that I think about it, I may have once been a love addict too; maybe I'll write a post about this someday as well :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd now I know they have Domino's in Mysore, with Paneer Pizza, no less :-) I'll go there when I'm in Mysore and need a pizza fix :-) Thanks for the info.
Krishna, thank you for your words. I appreciate how you make the parallel to your friend's story with the organization, and you are right, we are all seeking love or something... :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks Lilasvb
Nobel, that is interesting and of course I expect a follow up a-la-Nobel interpretation. As per Mysore and Dominos yes indeed... accross the street there is also a pizza hut... different type of "fix" but it can hit the spot, if we are there at the same time we can go together and remember the old times hee hee :-)
I agree with Krishna that we're all love addicts in some way, not necessarily in the context of a romantic relationship. I was in a 5-year relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry eventually, and the comfort that comes from being with someone that long is hard to walk away from. Breaking up showed me how much of a love addict I was, but it also liberated me and enabled me to grow and find a healthier relationship. I can really identify with the story and emotions you shared here - it is not pretty, but it's good to be aware of it and slowly move on. Thanks for sharing Claudia :)
ReplyDeleteSavasanaaddict, oh I hear you!!! that good old comfort of staying just because... I appreciate your honesty and sharing your story. Thanks for the comment!
ReplyDeleteI think everybody's been there at one point (or two :-) but when you keep repeating it over and over it can create problems, for you and people around you. Your honesty touched me a bit....thank you!
ReplyDeleteHelena, yes very true, if the pattern is not identified and it keeps going it causes all sorts of troubles, people lose jobs, family, friends etc over things like this. Thanks for the bit about honesty, it is what I was going to... I feel this subject is important, it is one of the biggest leaks out there...
ReplyDeleteVery good post, interesting and engaging. So very true.
ReplyDelete:-) Thank you
Delete