Sometimes I sit on a mine field, and the cushion is not really a soft spot but the hard, rough territory of anger, and the body vibrates in electric shots just by noticing the thoughts that explode as the moment-by-moment "at-one-ment" attempt begins.
I am SO angry at this! And this other thing! And how dare he! And why am I here? In this oh-so-familiar place. Yet again?
Staying here, not moving, alert, in that place that scares me lifeless, is a proposition I dread. Of course. Nevertheless I stay in the huffing and puffing of the erratic, disproportionate mental fluctuations, and then, just like that, the underneath current of what is deeper is revealed.
Under all of that there is a pain at having lost someone dear, pain because a dream last night revealed what it feels like to lose someone I love, and in the way that dreams go, you feel what you think you see, even though in reality you are covered by the sheets a thousand miles away.
It is this pain I cannot face and perhaps the fabric of my subconscious throws a tantrum so I won't see it, so I will be distracted, won't have to observe, or, much, much worse, feel.
And so I stay. I feel that pain, take a yet deeper breath and open the nervous system to let that emotion flow freely, and a big fat tear falls down the right side of my face making its way through the freckles, travelling by the white sweater and all the way to my half crossed legs. Something softens.
Nothing pretty about being here, but what in life is? Or isn't? And so something gives, eases, invites me to stay with it, with exactly how it feels. Terrifying, frightening, dark, hopeless.
No hope for meditation today, no hope for focusing, but that is OK. Just by sitting and being willing to open to what really is I surrender, I feel the connection with spirit, and then it is not better, that would be too happy an ending, too unrealistic, but at least, it just is what it is.
I am SO angry at this! And this other thing! And how dare he! And why am I here? In this oh-so-familiar place. Yet again?
Staying here, not moving, alert, in that place that scares me lifeless, is a proposition I dread. Of course. Nevertheless I stay in the huffing and puffing of the erratic, disproportionate mental fluctuations, and then, just like that, the underneath current of what is deeper is revealed.
Under all of that there is a pain at having lost someone dear, pain because a dream last night revealed what it feels like to lose someone I love, and in the way that dreams go, you feel what you think you see, even though in reality you are covered by the sheets a thousand miles away.
It is this pain I cannot face and perhaps the fabric of my subconscious throws a tantrum so I won't see it, so I will be distracted, won't have to observe, or, much, much worse, feel.
And so I stay. I feel that pain, take a yet deeper breath and open the nervous system to let that emotion flow freely, and a big fat tear falls down the right side of my face making its way through the freckles, travelling by the white sweater and all the way to my half crossed legs. Something softens.
Nothing pretty about being here, but what in life is? Or isn't? And so something gives, eases, invites me to stay with it, with exactly how it feels. Terrifying, frightening, dark, hopeless.
No hope for meditation today, no hope for focusing, but that is OK. Just by sitting and being willing to open to what really is I surrender, I feel the connection with spirit, and then it is not better, that would be too happy an ending, too unrealistic, but at least, it just is what it is.
no meditation too and very strange day
ReplyDeleteYesterday I was in a very angry, confrontational place. I saw - or thought I saw a wrong I had to right.
ReplyDeleteLater I reflected upon it and realized that maybe there was another valid way to view the situation. I could even be wrong.
Just for today I want to choose happiness instead. Happiness is always a choice. It belongs to us when we connect to our unconditioned self - the self that sits behind the stories we tell about ourselves, our drama.
May all being be happy - and that includes ME.
ah beautiful, thank you for being so real and courageous. It inspires.
ReplyDeleteHey Claud, great post!
ReplyDeleteOff-topic, please have a look at this (in case you haven't seen it yet): http://health.yahoo.net/articles/flu/neti-pot-deaths-linked-brain-eating-amoeba-tap-water
It's interesting and could be a future post.
Lila, then you too ha?
ReplyDeleteAnon, like how you included you in the last sentence
Deborah, thank you
Anon, that sounds scarey
I know this place - thank you for vocalizing it for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Kristi :-)
ReplyDeletethanks for communicating a state of being so poetically. life is, to me, in many ways absurd in a society that expects people to move upward somewhat linearly. but things go way up and way down in minutes sometimes and you're just left feeling what you're feeling and no one can exactly understand. but i realize also we've all been blessed to even have the human experience. one in billions chance of that even happening. as mumford and sons says, "welcome the restart" and keep waiting for beauty around the corner. easier said than done, but i think i'm trying to embrace that perspective more.
ReplyDeleteAnon, you put it very beautiful :-)
ReplyDelete