Yoga is Killing Me

Came into the shala yesterday with a bad mood, my back was hurting badly, perhaps a combination of pushing it in the backbends and a couple of deep kurmasana adjustments that are very new to me.  Something about my right leg going to new places and bothering my neck.  Had to ask the assistants to not help me so much and thought about "hiding" if such a thing is possible. It is not.

Afterwards and to begin with I took a catatonic 3 hour nap after eating at RRR.  Then, in the span of twenty four hours (James counted) I said that yoga is 'killing me' three times.

Let me tell you about that RRR place.  I got a bit intimidated by it.  It is in the "city" among the pollution of downtown and it is a real local place, barely three foreigners like us there which is fine, of course, it was my first culture shock moment.  And the food... hm. Delicious.  Each of us had a huge banana leaf in front of us, and after asking for the only vegetarian option, we had a line of different servers come along, one had the white rice, one had the three potions (masala, something with potato and something very spicy, like a curry), then came the server with the ghee, then the water boy (we said no to that), then the crispy bread, papa something? Then the rice again.

It being the first meal of the day at 1:40 PM I ate to my heart's content.  Then after a short visit to the new mall (we went to see the new supermarket "Easy" which is just like a huge Wallmart but cleaner) we came home to the nap and to the killing situation.

What is yoga killing I wondered this morning?

For one I am afraid it was killing my flow with the blog. Feel like 'I got nothing' sometimes.  I know blogging is a practice, it has cycles,  comes and goes, but the actual yoga practice is so intense I barely have energy for reading sutras sometimes, or meditate, write morning pages, let alone post.

I find myself in need of rest from reading other news too.  It is killing my desire for external world extravaganzas.  All I have energy for is practice, chanting, resting and pondering about yoga.  It helps to have a partner that encourages the conversation.

It is killing the desire to overdo it.  It gave me some pain for that.  Respect. I am slowing it.  Still totally there, but not pushing as hard for now, and sort of looking forwards to those ladies holidays.

Not quite killing the sense of I, and what I think I am, all the story lines I have attached to what I think Claudia is.  Although I do make it a point to remember that yoga really is SEPARATION, of what is real from what is not.  What is eternal and indestructible from what my mind makes it up to be, what it wants to believe it is.  It is a practice after all.

It helps to kill it in that sense, to remember there is no I, especially when waiting in line and the mind starts to chat and judge how this is unfair and this is so good. How the pain will make one look not so good or how that pose was excellent and obviously so great. Then remember, none of it is true, neti neti neti, only that which is pure potential is true.  All the rest is show, just the senses being attracted to the outside world.

This killing business might not be such a bad thing after all.





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6 comments:

  1. Hi Claudia,
    That restaurant sounds interesting! The crispy breads are poppadums.... you get them in any Indian or Bangladeshi restaurant in the UK.

    Be well and don't let them crank you in kurmasana.

    I know what you mean about feeling there isn't the time / energy for all the external stuff. Yoga, chanting, eating and sleep just about does it.
    Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow :-)

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  2. poppadums! yes, that was the word, thank you. And delish! loved it...

    Yeah, having trouble saying no but I know I must, need to take my time with it.

    James and I look forward to seeing you too! just sent you a Facebook message but not sure if it went, internet acts funny sometimes...

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  3. from gangaji (ramana lineage) off twitter yesterday:


    @Gangaji

    The spiritual path is a path of death, a path of loss. In the willingness to lose everything the recognition of who one is is revealed.

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  4. Ah, Claudia, I wish I was there with you and James. Then there would have been four foreigners in that RRR place.

    I think you are in the process of killing of something that is "old" in you and needs to go. Stay with it, and good things will come :-)

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  5. That would be wonderful Nobel! four foreigners makes all the difference! and yes I will stay with it... enjoying the process :-)

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  6. Anon, been reading about Gangaji, interesting story hers, and I would agree, as horrible and shocking as it sounds to read that first hand, it is soooo true, and aparently, for what I hear, the rewards inmense

    ReplyDelete

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