You Can't Always Get What You Want

I wanted to be Authorized and Certified. That was my new year resolution in 2006. To be granted permission to teach ashtanga yoga. By India. The real people. The place where the Guru lived. The place where permission was granted.

Mysore

At that time authorization was somewhat predictable. You had to go to Mysore in South India four times (4 years in a row) for at least three months each time, and pretty much were sure to receive authorization.

Then you had to go four more times for 3 to 6 months to be certified. You were never supposed to ask for it or even expect to get it. It was all a big mysterious and fascinating ordeal that meant your life was about to change BIG time.

I liked houses back then and I had just gotten myself one. I'll tell you about my house. It was a two-bedroom in a tree-lined street where only one or two cars would drive by every day.

Me, shovel in hand
at the house

I thought a house was a good investment, and the real estate agent put 1000 dollars of her own money to help with the down-payment.  But of course I did not know that having a house involved raking the leaves in the Fall and shoveling snow in the Winter.

I did not like raking or shoveling because the yard and the drive-way were big. Too big.

Another "big" were my plans.  I had an Excel chart with specific details of when I would go to India and for how long and it plotted events all the way to 2016.

I did not know where the money would come because I had just heard a big spiritual teacher say that "the money would come from wherever it was at the moment".  So I did not worry about the money. Instead I plotted away in the little Excel boxes, planning dates and numbers away, charting what was to happen.

Today I noticed that some things did not go exactly as planned.

In the Spreadsheet I was to be authorized last July. As in last summer.  That is a long time ago and it did not happen at all. Furthermore when I scrolled to what was supposed to be happening today I found myself back in India and in my fourth trip, which I also had to cross down because I just returned from my second trip.

The biggest oversight in the chart is kapotasana, a very difficult pose that one only gets to when the back is very flexible and after one is able to drop back from a standing position all the way to the floor into a bridge position.

In "paper" I got it in March of 2010. That had me laughing because I spent all of 2010 -as in the whole year- trying to drop back and I still do not drop back. Which brings me back to kapotasana. What was I thinking?

A part of the huge yard in Winter

Other things that were not on the chart did happen between then and now:

All doors of heaven opened up and made way so I could take 5 weeks off from my job. Twice! In America that is a miracle!

On the first long absence I went to Mysore -early 2008 and much later than planned-, and in spite of my boss not being too happy about it.

Thailand Graduation I am the happy
face in the middle - top row

The second extended absence took me to Thailand. I also got married and my father died.  I lost a sister to life and gained two step-daughters who enjoy making collages with me. I  lost the job where I created the spreadsheet -on the exact day I returned from Thailand- and yes, the house with the big yard is also gone.

During the 2nd the trip to Mysore (from which I just returned) I heard again and again that I must do my yoga, and that all would come.  I hated hearing that because I always knew what I wanted and I really did not need a person of yet another country to tell me what I wanted. I lived in lots of Countries.

And besides, I had a chart.

But one night, not so long ago and when I was back in the comfort of my own bed, in my beautiful rented house that needs no raking, I wondered: What if yoga was supposed to just put me in touch with who I am, with what my own spirit wants to express, and once that happened then all doors would open, then all would indeed come?

If I could talk back to the woman I was in 2006, all excited and happy over the Excel spreadsheet, I would tell her to keep those exact same goals.


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Guide to Mysore for Yogis