"Go In! See What Your Mother Is Doing!": 8 Lessons in Discernment

He got me in the car at 11 PM and drove me to a dodgy neighborhood of Buenos Aires, he then parked the car in front of a place that looked like a private expensive home.  His eyes filled with anger, the anxiety in the air of the old encased Fiat sending shivers through my 14-year-old spine. My trying to blow cold air into the window to draw things with my fingers did not cue him in that I was still a child.  “Go In!” he said.  "See what your mother is doing".

That 80's Fiat

My mother was at a social event, trying to re-build her life after my father had cheated, abused and lied to her, after he sucked her dry with his alcoholism and they had separated. 

But that is not the point of the story, I don't know all the details, likely I am even wrong, I really do not know how it went down and never will, and I blame nobody, in fact, I bless them both, they made me the woman I am today and I am eternally grateful.  


That is the past, the point is what I took out of it:

After being exposed to the dynamics of their relationship long enough, one day in front of the mirror of our only bathroom I swore on my deepest energetic life force never EVER trust a man in my life or let him take care of me.

I followed through, and as soon as I was of legal age and had some savings even emigrated to the United States so I would be able to support myself and eat, like people seem to be able to do here, at least easily than there. 

The mirror declaration later cost me love addiction, confusion on relationships, and an array of wonders, but it also taught me vital lessons including the blessing of leading me to yoga.

These days, travelling down the Lyme disease healing road and 30 years later I wondered the other day why the un-easy reaction to James’ attention (my husband), to his care, to his love.

Of course! I am still holding on to that long old-time declaration that means nothing in this context.  

About time

I am not 14 anymore, I have been able to discriminate myself out of abusive or co-dependent or plain wrong relationships,  and to find a man who loves me. I can trust again, I am an adult now. It is OK. That old belief can be let go of! Phew! Thank you!

Discernment

Discernment is the most critical skill necessary for an aspiring yogi. And it is not an easy skill. It is a moment-by-moment job, it demands full attention, questioning, investigating what our real intentions are behind everything, EVERYTHING.

Why did I write that comment in Facebook? Why did I send that note? Why am I always so anxious about thinking that people are all smarter than me? Why am I wearing this short skirt today? Why did I not practice that Sunday? Really, why didn't I?

From Gross To Subtle

Discernment in the context used here is the process of using wisdom and good judgment. Easier said than done. It is the way a yogi goes from the gross to the subtle, it is how we question why is it that we think they way we do? What are our real undercurrent of intentions. Can we even afford to get real?

1.- Whenever talking to few people, within your mind, make yourself into the LEAST intelligent person in that group.  This is not reverse ego and it is not putting yourself down.  Most of the time it might actually be the truth. 

If you do this you will ALWAYS learn something. At worst: humility. At best: something you did not know and which you learned just cause you listened.

2.- LISTEN EVEN AFTER someone else finishes talking. While you listen to someone talk, stop that underlying anxious voice. You know the one. Yes, that one that screams that you are not good enough and you need to come up with a witty remark, a smart answer, keen suggestion, or life changing prescription. 

Listen instead. Then make a silence, don't even answer right away. Construct your answer after you listened.  This will generate two magical qualities:

1. It will give room for something NEW to appear in conversations and 
2. It will give the gift of your full attention and the necessary space for whomever happens to be talking to you, so they can experience what they are expressing in full.

Only in the silence and space can discernment get a chance.

3.- Always Check your Underlying Motivation

Train yourself to pause the monkey in the mind, to see why is it really that you are sending that message to that old flame from high school in Facebook. Are you really interested in friendship, or are you bored and wanting to create a little intrigue to fill the hours? Yes, it is  just an example, you get my point.

Constant motivation checking is yoga in action, it provides better decisions, it brings peace. It is the way through and into wisdom

4.- Catch Yourself When Acting out of Old Beliefs:

Do you usually say to yourself "oh this is the way I am".  Really? Did you just freeze yourself forever fixing the mold into an un-transformative entity?

Beware of old beliefs, especially those you formed before you knew you could do such thing. There are many. Therapy helps with those, heck they obsess on those, but there is not always a need for therapy, inquiry sometimes is enough.

6.-Same goes for talking behind someone's back, do not say something about someone else that you would not say in front of them. It is rude and impolite and it is bad news for you.  It is like that law of thermodynamics that says that all energy is never wasted but rather transformed.

It will boomerang back. It's a law

In that exact same way, you will get the boomerang of that transformation back and you will not like it. You will lose energy and brain power trying to fix the unfixable when the badly-spoken-about-person finds out (and they will) or when other consequences hit you.

People are becoming more alert and sensible in these days of internet flow of open information. And people who have a refined sense for subtleties know for a fact that if you talk badly about another person to them, then you are a lot more likely to talk badly about them with others. 

This is not just discernment, it is also common sense.

7.- Don't give advice unless you are asked for it. Unsolicited advice is usually wrong, based on an incomplete picture formed by the ego in its desire to be brilliant, and probably never welcome. 

Nobody wants to hear what to do, not you and not me.  The only way someone would want this, and you would know is true, is if they ask for it.  In such a case clarify first, make sure they really want your advise, then look at point 1 and 2 again.

But isn't this blog-post advise? you may argue. No. This is how I see it, how I aspire to do it. Do I ask for advise? yes! all the time, I welcome it, especially when it comes to practice, I feel that is how I learn, but not everyone is like me.  Discernment is the key word.

8- Synonyms and Metaphors.  Learn synonyms, other words that stand for what the concept you are trying to convey. Enrich your vocabulary in any way you can. Strive to find the word that will most accurately depict your thoughts.  Also metaphors, or stories that relate to other stories and bring a point home. Use them sparsely, when useful, with discernment.

Give the WORD the value it has. Recognize it is the Devi of Speech, a goddess incarnated, it has the power of being mightier than the sword. Words cast spells, let us respect them.

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I love my mother and my father, wherever they may be. I see them in the light, I see them thriving and I am grateful they took the time and energy to raise a spoiled brat child like me.  Honor to them, lessons learned. Thank you. Gratitude.

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How do you get closer to discernment?